Top 40 - Finally Making Me Laugh

Rock 101 has nearly sent us climbing up the walls here at work. As every other station in this area, they have been plagued with the "shuffle" epidemic. So, by 4:30 we have heard most of the songs twice even three times.

The last few days we have played some cds and some top 40. Which is what I would like to share... It never fails, the first verse of this song by Average Lavigne makes us laugh every time it is played.

"My Happy Ending"

So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?

(emphasis added)

Simple as -ly

Three things will get an immediate, visible rise out of me.

And in descending order...
3. Fingernails on a chalkboard.
2. People who chew with their mouth open and/or make mouth noises when they talk.
1. The lack of proper grammar. More specifically (or "specific" for the majority of Americans) the absence of -ly endings on adverbs.

On Monday evenings, Dwight, Christine and I will spend an hour or so watching television together. Between the commercials and scripts, the lack of correct adverb usage is enough to send me into a state of insanity. Dwight is just as disturbed by it as I am. Together we cringe in repulsion.

Most recently I was at Subway, one of my favorite fast food venues. Quite ecstatic with my purchase of a fully loaded steak and cheese sandwich, I anxiously meandered back to the car with my coworkers. The aroma was actually disturbing in the confines of the truck's cab. (Steak and cheese can smell much like sewage if you aren't actually eating it.)

Upon our return to the office, I swiftly sat down and uncloaked my sandwich with a smile that quickly turned into a gasp of horror... There, lying before me on the table's gray surface was a disturbing advertisement. In bold lettering it read, "Fresh Toasted." What?!?! Has professionalism hit an all-time low? Was someone actually paid to design and print a grammatically incorrect logo?

It is "Freshly Toasted" people...come on...

By the way, I thoroughly enjoyed my sandwich once the poor paper goods were properly discarded.

I have the red stuff, but it just isn't the same.

Prior to my cross-country relocation I did myself a favor and purchased a bottle of Illinois' affectionately termed "red stuff" (Monical's dressing) to accompany my New Englander lunches. Flavored with red goodness, the dressing has successfully topped an array of my salads. However, today I took the next step and poured a healthy portion beside my Pizza Hut meat lovers. My richly adorned left-over Christmas plate is smeared with the sweetness, my tongue still tingles with tarty essence, but it just isn't the same. Nothing can compare with the red stuff and a good Monical's pizza...nothing...

Too much time? Probably

Okay, so my coworker "Moody" is real big on documentation. I mean HUGE. The other day during lunch "the Jerk" and I decided to play with Moody's head a little. It really doesn't take much to set him off, so the games are simple and fun. If you could write documentation on anything, what would it be? Here's what we came up with... (needless to say, he was not amused)

Paper towel Documentation

Proper Dispenstion

1. The paper towel roll should always be stored with the cardboard holding tube perpendicular to the storage surface.

2. If available, it best suits the paper towel roll to have a suitable mounting device (see figure 1.1) on which it can rest and then provide the most efficient functionality possible.

3. Placement is everything.
- Be sure to notify your coworkers of its location.
- Professionals recommend a central setting to ensure the contentment and convenience for the office as a whole... After all, you are a team. (see figure 1.2)


Functionality

Paper towels generally hold a strong learning curve, it is not until you are aware of its array of functions that the performance will be qua-li-ty.
1. To clean messes.
- Simply pull and tear along the dotted line.
- Find a mess.
- Wipe.
- Voila! As they say, “Cleanliness is next to godliness.”

2. Rapid absorption of unplanned liquid outbursts.
Includes, but not limited to,
- Occasional nostril drippage (see figure 2.1)
- Splattered beverage
- An overrunning toilet

3. To gently wipe the exterior of metatarsals in an attempt to remove oils and debris.

Qualities

For best results only experts would swear by, quality must come before quantity. (see figure 3.1)

If I were to blog today....

I wouldn't write about Valentine's Day.

But I'm going to anyway. Why do so many single people freak out on this one day? Celebrate those who are together. Embrace the friendships you have. Watch a scary movie and eat ice cream.

I don't think of Valentine's as a way of rubbing an open wound raw, as many others perceive it, but as an opportunity to think about the special people in my life and how grateful I am for them.

My family always recognized the holiday for each other. That has made it special for me. I still have a stuffed animal my mom shoved in my locker one year.

Maybe I'm just weird... but I suppose that really goes without saying... :)

Josh Recap

Unbelievably captivating - Hands down, the best live performance I have ever been to in my life. Of course, I say that after most shows, but this time I really mean it. I sat, alone, in the midst of musical utopia. Josh was backed with a live orchestra, full band, and a fantastic percussion (including turn tables). I was amazed with the intricate and delightful conglomeration of the instruments.

Not only can this kid sing and look good, he plays the drums and piano rather well. I think I have feelings for him like most of you boys do for Lisa (Damien Rice's girl). I mean really, when he went to town on those drums we (here I am referring to my neighbors as well...not "me" "myself" and "I") all looked on and wondered if there was anything he can't do. He tied up the evening with a solo encore of Paul Simon's "America" at the piano. Hmm...

I recommend that you all check out Chris Botti, trumpet player w/ jazz band, who opened up the show. And the phenomenal Asian violinist (the really good ones are always Asian) who played with Josh. I don't know what her name is, but if I find it I will share.

And as always, stupid people should not be allowed into concerts. Especially if they are female high schoolers. I don't know how it could be done. Maybe the people who take tickets could just ask each person if they are stupid. If they are in fact stupid, then chances are they'll admit it. Then the arena can turn them away and thus save those of us who appreciate the art from their lack of common sense and courtesy.

Yes, I am a girl, Kirk.

Watch out Josh, here I come!

Once again, ticketmaster has come through for me. As of twenty minutes ago, I purchased one lonely ticket in the nosebleed of Verizon Wireless Arena to witness the heart and soul of Josh Groban live! I don't know how I'll get anything done today...

Ten hours and counting...embrace the goodness...

Snap to it!

It is my understanding that in my circle of friends there are a few who are incapable of snapping their fingers. This is not a means of crushing their dreams, but to only share today's personal discovery. Not only can I snap together thumb and middle finger like most of the world...but I can snap multiple fingers at once...pinky, ring, and middle! It's a metaphelangeal chorus! So far I can snap my pointer by itself, but by the end of the day, I am determined to have all five fingers working together in digital harmony. Try it and inform me of your outcome.

And the Award Goes To....

The duration of my illness has, for the most part, concluded. Occasionally, I will hack forth a lung, suck it back in, and continue on with my duties as my coworkers stare in disgust.

For five days I spent roughly 23 hours a day in bed. I had lots of time to think. To sleep. To dream. To moan. To remember. You know how it is when you are delirious from illness and medication...very strange things will come to mind.

Friday afternoon I spent thinking about my soccer management days. Three glorious years of sweating, freezing, dripping at practice and games; scrubbing dirty laundry to perfection; taping and re-taping sweaty feet; traveling far and wide with a bus load of smelly boys; begging the driver to stop for a potty break...usually because Randy had to pee really bad and Dan would only stop for me; chasing hundreds of soccer balls; recording our thousands of shots (notice I didn’t say “points”) in the official book which was usually wrinkled from the last game’s heavy rainfall... The list of memories could go on, but for the sake of this blog I would like your attention to be drawn to the place my mind rested on Friday – taping.

Taping ankles, shin splints, wrists, and knees is an art. Thanks to the injury-prone likeness of Lincoln Christian College soccer players, I had plenty of opportunities to perfect my skills.

And here are my thoughts on the taping roster (There are probably more, but these were the ones I thought of on Friday):
Kirk – Always patient, grateful and content with his wrapping. Long toes.
Edwin – Always hurting his ankle. More often than Jeff, I think. Tape always rolled. VERY skinny ankles.
Shoes – Could not hold his foot back tight enough. Short toes.
Stephen – Wanted a miracle wrapper. Always had a special order. “Today I want it to move back and forth, a little to the right, but not at all to the left.” Would end up wrapping at least twice per practice. Hairy legs.
Matt – Wrapped his own.
Jeff – Thought my wrapping was too tight.
Steve – Had to tape both.
Joe – Left ankle. Thick legs. Hairy toes. Tattoo on calve.
Randy – I didn’t have to wrap his ankles, but I wrapped his wrists for goalkeeping. His gloves always smelled like a decaying rat.
Adam – This is the funny thing...Adam’s ankle was fun to wrap. I think his ankle/leg/foot ratio was just right so the tape glided on perfectly. It hardly ever rolled up.

And that is why Adam wins the “Best Ankles” award from his soccer manager of three years. Congratulations Adam! Because of your best ankles, I felt like I could do something well!