Acres

It's Veteran's Day. Do I actually know what that means? Not really, considering I'm not a Veteran and even though my Dad and grandfathers served they don't talk about it.

I was going to spend my afternoon at the Java Hut downtown. I am really searching for solace and quiet outside of our much-too-quiet home, but they closed early today. Because of Veteran's Day.

Tomorrow I begin work at 2nd Church of Christ's 2 x 2 Daycare. Subbing for Tiffany, actually. She is cramming for classes so we can go down and see Grandma over Thanksgiving. Doctors seem hopeful, but she's 80 years old and enduring a permanent feeding tube in her stomach, unable to walk, unable to talk. I wonder what the doctors are truly thinking.

So then I wonder what is happening to me. Seeking God in my circumstances, I come up short of answers. Listening and only hearing the hum of our furnace - I wonder at his silence. Is he being silent or am I being too loud?

Saturday evening I went to the Beef House with my good friend, Ruth. Ruth is one of those friends that would sacrifice anything to help another. After dinner we took a walk around the Covington park. I could see that she was aching to ask me about my "Mom" days. "How is it, Lindy? Does it get any easier? What is it like grieving now?" After a moment, I answered with this, "It feels like I'm grieving something that never happened." Five years without her voice. Five years without her touch. Five years without her advice, tears, hugs, laughter. Sometimes I think she never existed.

There are those I only joke with. There are those I am real with. The latter of those two would tell you that I have lost weight, lost my shine, appearing limp. And I don't know why. I have all I need. But maybe that's just it. Maybe God is wanting to give me more than I need, but today I don't feel worthy. I don't deserve it.

I'm waiting. Praying. Waiting. waiting. waiting.