A Wedding Story

I am so torn about weddings. In one respect I get nostalgic and dreamy during the ceremony - it's usually someone I am close to and that makes me happy. However, they are too quiet. They are either too short considering the amount of prep time and money or they are too long because you are sitting their in uncomfortable silence.

People like traditional weddings, but what does it mean? Is the couple even aware of what's going on around them - no. How much of the wedding is planned for the family, the mother of the bride, or Aunt Irene from Guam? And how much of the wedding reflects the spirit of the couple, their flare, their personality? Very little.

And why do bridesmaids have to all look alike? In a way, it's appealing to the eye that everyone matches, but if you really think about it - it's downright silly - like dressy robots locking knees and attempting to look interested when in reality, thanks to the overpriced shoes required for their uniformed attire, they are more concerned about the bleeding callouses that are currently developing on their heels. And the men? The men aren't even pretending to care. Their eyes carelessly scan the audience. Their bodies swaying to the heat rising in their collars, hands clenched before them.

Oh, and you can't forget the awkward reception line following the ceremony. Everyone is thinking it, but not one soul mutters..."Do I hug the best man or do I shake his hand? Do I have to say anything at all? Who is this guy, anyway? It's not his wedding, so why on God's green earth do I have to pretend like congratulating him? I mean seriously, I watched him through part of the wedding and he didn't even realize he was in front of 300 people when he scratched his butt. So certainly he wasn't listening to the exchange of vows or ..." And crap, suddenly you're standing in front of him he sticks out his hand, you lean forward, there is an awkward moment of "what do we do?" so he puts his other arm up and leans in for a hug while simultaneously you drop one arm and reach to shake his hand again an awkward moment of "what do we do?" ending in a slight pat on the back a stumbled "Uh, congratulations..." and you move on to the next person. And that person, perhaps the mother of the bride, deserves a warm hug and congratulatory praise, but in your mind you are dwelling on the best man prior, still uncomfortable and thus resulting in another haphazard hug and Lord-willing, the end of the line.

Then there is dancing at the reception. In theory, it is a fabulous idea. And in theory, everyone wants you to have a dance at the reception. But heaven's no - NO ALCOHOL! I'm sorry, but after standing up in nine weddings, if there is going to be good dancing, there has to be alcohol. Or maybe, since we don't really want the atmosphere associated with beer and bourbon, we should just give everyone a shot of espresso at the door. Regardless, people have to be out of sorts if you expect them to get off their seats and on the dance floor. Maybe it's just a midwestern thing, but what is with people standing and staring at one another in a large circle, as if to play duck-duck-goose, all the while jirrating to the YMCA. I don't want 20 some people watching me dance.

If you are like me and prefer sitting during such a scene, you can find one person in the crowd that most everyone else mimics. He starts out with a simple right step, left step combo. Soon everyone is stepping to his beat. Then he raises an arm and twists his head. Soon everyone is raising an arm and twisting their head. Over and again he changes his move and they follow suit. Try watching sometime, it's actually quite funny.

So technically, it is people like myself that keep me off the dance floor. Now give me a good sugar boost, some real party music, a crowded floor of people who don't even notice me there, and then I will dance. But only then.

**Props to Kirk and Amanda for actually having a good dance party at their reception.