Conversation with Grandma

This from my magic red leather journal ~
Sunday ~ November 14, 2004

Her eyes, blue, filled with love, full of adventure, reflecting stories that I may never again have opportunity to hear of. Those eyes, after days of pain and frustration, years of suffering, remain intense with hope - opening only sporadically now as exhaustion arrests her utmost desires.

Upon arrival two days ago, they were alive and vibrant. Those eyes have always spoken to my soul even now when words are not an option. They are gentle and warm - a color of blue comparable to the hues of an early morning sky - soft, beautiful, comforting. And still the same sweet message pulsing through her tired gaze.

I have seen this look before. The messenger is seeking escape, understanding, permission. I can only hope that I am capable of acknowledging her wishes by offering a response of understanding and permission, knowing that I am incapable of escape.

Thinking on my physical departure, a day from now, catches in my throat. Saying goodbye is difficult. This is most likely the last earthly opportunity I will have to share with my dear grandmother. I marvel at how she holds on now. Her body does not work properly, but her spirit is alive, wanting so desperately to go home and get on with life as usual. Indeed, it pains me to see her in this dilapidated state. She has always been so active and now not even able to speak...my heart bleeds.

It is after midnight now. She sleeps deeply, perhaps for a short time, hugging tightly to her worn, yellow bunny and simultaneously squeezing my left hand.

She wants to go home. I wonder which one she is most ready for.

They say a picture speaks a thousand words. I hear her speaking a thousand words in every glance. Tomorrow the eyes will say goodbye. The soul beyond those eyes, dwelling deep within will say "I love you and I'll see you again."

Goodbye.